LOCO.one.

when the nights are gone, and the days are long, my heart will grow old and restless; like all those around me. we are a dying breed.

i will continue to stand alone; i will continue to walk alone. this can i kick is my company. it leads the way, never in a straight line. the only promise it leaves is emptiness, hollowness, and jagged ends. if you could hear me now, you would hear just how im feeling. scream out with every last breath. only if you could here me now. the birds fly around me, just to avoid me. the butterflies lose their color when they reach arms lengths. any tree i stand under, for safety from the sun, loses its leaves, so that the shade will fade, so i wont have any. the concrete structures start to crumble around me, they wont shield me from anything. this world is out to get me; because, when the nights are gone, and the days are long, my heart with grow old and restless; like those around me. we are a dying breed.

- israel g.

I blow into my hands, to fight the sting of the cold; because I haven’t anyone else’s hands to help keep mine warm. Help me “you” with your sweet smile, help me “you” you have the innocents of a child. The skin you possess must be heavenly sent. Oh, how I am tired all the time following angels. Sometimes, for long periods of time I won’t see an angel for months on end. Like I’ve said and often say, “I used to live a life full of blessings, but now I am damned to hell. I used to know the most beautiful angels, they used to follow me around”

• israel g.

Sure build a pillow barrier between us. I’ll act like it doesn’t take it too far. I’ll sleep on top of the covers and you sleep under if it makes you feel better. Let me make it easier for you, I’ll sleep on the couch in the other room. Next time you decide to do something like open up our sons first bank account without me in the mix, than you can count on me being pissed. It’s safe to say, there’s nothing safe these days. I leave for about a week, and nothing has changed except this relationship and how weak it’s gotten. A wall separates you and our son from me as I write this, type this into my phone. The times are changing, normally I would be hand writing this in my journal; Just like my motivation it sits idle waiting to be brought back to my life. I wake up, shower, go to work, struggle to fall asleep, and do it all over again the next day. It’s a rinse and repeat kind of life, literally. If tears have ever fallen from these dark stained eyes of mine, it’s now…

To be continued…

There are few things in life that put me at ease. I have this friend who is also my cousin. My right hand man. I know if I need anything he’s right there to help me. Simple things like having a beer with me, or like today even though he woke my ass up at 7:15 am. We went to the barber shop and got our fresh cuts. Things like that put me at ease. We’ve been through thick and thin. Changing tires on the side of the freeway just as it starts to rain. Or going to buy a car, wait 4 hours just to find out the transmission is completely shot! Even taking a day trip to big bear just to have our asses handed to us by the mountain and our snow boards. They’re all things we can scratch off the list. Sometimes in our case even add another notch to our belts. Not to mention we have driven across the country together from our city in Escondido California to the windy city of Chicago Illinois and every where in between. Sometimes he has to beat some sense into me just to realize waking up early or going off course isn’t really that bad. It’s how we roll. So yeah, we are an army of two. We are stuck together wether we like it or not! Thanks for putting me at ease skipper.

Let me tell you something, something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshines and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward…

Poem I

Date: December 7, 2008 Well what can I say kid? The day is here again. Two years ago on this very date I was sitting in my room with my rosary in hand. I was praying non-stop. I was interrupted by a phone call; it was your sister telling me to get over there, to the intensive care unit. I remember thinking to myself as I stare out of the window, will I cry as soon as I see her? Will she open her eyes? Or has God already taken her up to the skies and placed wings on her back and a halo on that pretty littler head of hers? Well I’m going up on the elevator now. My stomach is in knots its been killing ever since the beginning of this. I step into your room it’s full of family. I see you hooked up to machines as my eyes start to tear and my palms start to sweat and now it begins; The realization that you’re not coming back again. It’s your time to go to heaven an spread your wings and fly. So many tears that day I swear we could have made more than a river we could start a flood. *oh God why her why not me? She’s only 15 she deserves more than me. God lets me know *it’s not to do with age, she is to be safely in heaven with me, on heavenly wings, for the rest of her days

Poem II

Date: December 1, 2008 7 days away I’ve been counting the day’s kid. Its coming up again. It makes me restless. I’ve been writing every single night with a weak mans wrist as I sit in my room I look at your picture memories and her smiles. I pray to God I don’t forget her. The last time I went to for a visit. I did the usual cut the weeds away and smoke my cigarettes and of course leave a guitar pick. One thing was different and I know you wont forgive it, the fact that I abuse my prescriptions and my 7/11 cheap beer binges. These legs of mine have walked many miles, but I never thought I would be walking to the graveyard to see the gravesite of a beautiful child. I miss this girl so much I would give anything for her to be back with her family, smiling, and singing and just to be breathing again. You can take my lungs or my brain leave my heart though because its been in a grave. I miss you kid and I will see you next weekend. Maybe take a nap under the sun. I promise ill try to be sober I always say ill stop after I get over this hang over. I love you kid, and I miss you

Hush Little Darling

The baby next door is crying and I know it’s killing her, the way mommy leaves the room to open the door for her drug dealer; to get that tiny white rock; so she can leave the baby in a different way than just leaving the room. Stick it in the pipe, light the torch, make it smoke, inhale, hold your breath, close your eyes, lean your head back, let it in and out. Take the trip it leaves for you. A bad batch for moms paranoya, voices, and sweat. Lay on the couch curled like a baby. The roles are switched. She feels as vulnerable and alone as her crying daughter. Thoughts of razor blades flash in and out. The baby next door is crying and I can tell it’s killing her the way mommy left. She opens the door for death because that night she decided to die… Hush little darling don’t say a word, mommys gone because of that little white rock that she needed to burn…

• israel g.

So today 11.15.10 started off ok. I was super tired but made it too work early. Although, I had to work an 11 hour shift. I got to talk to someone for a bit to pass the time. And got to exchange a sons of anarchy sweater I got that was way too small. Day went on i got my pay check a day early, and had some sbarros pizza. Pretty happy and 2 hours left work. Then; i got my new sweater and the front logo is way too fucking low, which is bugging the shit out of me. Also when I got home I realized I had forgotten my phone charger on my chair at work! So it’s fucking history! These petty things fucking drive me crazy! I deal with the hardest shit than daily but this crap is beyond me. Luckily I didn’t pet any sweaty things. Anyway I have to learn to not sweat then petty shit…

sometimes in life, we are faced with heartbreaking situations. Love is tough, nothing easy about it except falling in and out of it. My friend showed me today how much words and action destroy you. I haven’t known her for long, however; it seems we can talk about anything. She’s pretty down. I mean she laughs at all my jokes. Today I saw a side I hadn’t seen. A sad blinded by love, little girl. She is such a happy girl most of time. She has dimples for days. We were talking about her relationship with her boyfriend; being a friend I offer my ears and opinions and she takes them. She is so afraid of losing her guy it starts to pull at her heart strings, she tries and tries but is left with the same result. She means well but only for her guy. She is so selfless. And he is so lucky because of it. I just hope she opens her eyes wide and long enough to realize she deserves to be happy at the same time making someone else happy. She doesn’t need to hear names and words that kill. She doesn’t need to be left crying alone. And she doesn’t need to be held back. Whatever makes her happy is what matters in the end. Just know friend, we don’t just say things to hear ourselves talk. Our words and our actions create who we are. If those words and actions create someone ugly, and if that’s the case, than see; really what is there. A weed stops a flower from growing. And you need to bloom.

• israel g

So my son is pretty much THE most amazing thing to happen to me. After over a month of not seeing him (he was was only 2 months when he left) I was so stressed an worried he would not remember me. Not know who I was. And the day He came to visit him and his mom pulled up to my house I ran outside Opened his door an he was sleeping I said something to his mom and he woke up from my voice he opened his eyes looked at me and smiled. Now I know my son knows who I am. He knows I love him and i know he loves me. He reaches out to me and hugs me close. He is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I love you Jude Abel Garcia! He will be 5 months on Saturday November 6th.